Worst Habits

I have so many bad habits holy damn…

My worst would be the anorexia more than anything.

But i have never wasted food – that’s not my style.
A Recovering Survivor 

30 Quick Facts

1. Taken
2. Last kiss was Sunday
3. 3 girl best friends
4. 3 guy best friends
5. My favourite song at the moment would be Mrs Potato Head by Melanie Martinez
6. My height is 163cm
7. My weight is 45kg
8. My first kiss was in Year 3 (8 years old) but that’s a whole story on its own
9. I don’t play  sports – I run and exercise but yeah nah
10. This whole blog is secrets
11. I only have my ears pierces but I want my belly button and nose done… oh and my helix
12. Longest relationship is my current one and it’s been 18 months
13. No favourite ex’s
14. Caucasian
15. I tell everything to my partner
16. I have cheated once and I regret it but the guy was abusive as fuck and I was like 15 so shut your fucking face
17. To be mentally healthy
18. Having a pillow fight and picking up a blow up mattress and using it as a weapon in the fight
19. Beach
20. I don’t think I’m pretty
21. Been bullied
22. I don’t have Instagram
23. Favourite drink is coffee – white chocolate mocha with almond milk
24. My favourite colour is teal
25. I’ve been suspended for drinking at a party while on school exchange
26. My most hated teacher was my Year 4 teacher and she hated me jsut as much
27. I want one girl if I was to have kids and her name would be Effy Aleyna
28. I have a dog and a cat
29. Favourite celebrity would be either Alyson Hannigon or Neil Patrick Harris
30. The last book I read was Burn in the Rephiam series  – highly recommend btw.

A Recovering Survivor 

Fears: Fat

My biggest biggest fear in life is getting fat. I’m not even sure what the definition is of being fat but I know I do not want it. I currently weigh 45kg.. which is like bordering for me but I hit 50 and had a fucking panic attack. Being fat is my biggest fear and pretty much one of the only things I’m genuinely afraid of.

 

Something else I’m pretty terrified of would be being raped again. That scares me so mcuh but it’s coupled with being abused again and the whole situation behind that.

I worry about other things which could be a fear…? The main one being that of failure. I am afraid I will fail life; I won’t recover, I won’t  live my dreams, and I’ll fail.

 

That’s really all my fears.

A Recovering Survivor

Views on Religion

Oh wow… So much opinions here its insane.

So firstly, I am what you would describe as a humanist. this basically means that I believe in the will of the people, and that people’s aim in life is to better society. That’s pretty much it. I used to be an atheist but it didn’t quite hit the nail on the head for me personally.

I actually believe religions are problematic. There is no good in religion and have managed to cause the majority of the wars in history ever. People all think their religion is better and will kill people over that fact. Without religion we wouldn’t have terrorism, Trump, Hitler etc. So without religion we would live in a better world.

Say that though, people need hope. And religion provides people with hope. I suppose my main issue however, with religion is that people give the credit to a god. So they do something right and a god gets the credit, but when bad shit happens – he’s never to blame? I think religion has a lot of double standards and I personally have a problem with that.

Now i could literally talk forever about religion and why I personally could never be religious – mainly following how I have been through immense crap and have seen such horrid things that I just cannot accept that there is a loving god. Even if there is a god he is far from loving and gives 0 shits about anyone or anything.

A Recovering Survivor 

Drugs and Alcohol Opinion

This one is quite interesting for the 30 Day challenge because I used to be addicted to both. So it’s like what’s my opinion of them? I think that they’re okay in moderation, like everything else in life. I avoid them though mostly because I know it could create an undesirable lust. Addictions are hard to fight and to get rid of, and the longer that you keep the addiction going the harder they are to fight.

I personally don’t care though if other people drink and do drugs – unless they are friends with me and I’m concerned about their wellbeing. I also don’t care about weed because it’s so harmless. IN fact I think everyone should do weed at least once. I think that as long as you know your own limits you shouldn’t have to answer to others’ opinions.

A Recovering Survivor 

10 Year Plan

My plan for 10 years is to go and get my Bachelor and Masters in Architecture, to live in the US or even Toronto for 6 months – even maybe more. I want to have finished an internship and have a stable architecture based job. I hope to have started a PhD in psychology part time as well, specializing in either the human condition or personality disorders (or even both). I also want to look at getting my masters in Business so that I will own my own architectural firm some day.

I also hope to have a daughter – Effy, and be married for roughly a year 🙂

A Recovering Survivor 

Current Relationship

Day 2 of the 30 day challenge I am currently undertaking requires the explanation of how my current relationship is going. So I will follow up by saying, extremely good despite me once again fucking everything up and pushing him away. I try so hard not to but it is so distinctive within myself that there is barely any room for change.

I am so happy with him and being with him makes me very content but then my own mental health, and likewise his own, often get in the way. Thankfully we can get around it – we always do – it just sometimes makes life harder, and I suppose more interesting in a way.

A Recovering Survivor 

Why Do I Blog

Why do I blog? Let’s see… I have to many thoughts surrounding my mind and sometimes it’s nice to get them out of my mind. That’s the main reason. I also just liked it before and obviously there were some reasons (*coughs* my ex) that meant I was too afraid to continue posting without fear.

I like getting my opinions and my ways of life out. I like sharing my experiences with the world and I like having that sense of accomplishment. Something a blog provides.

I don’t know what else to say however and this just provides a change of pace.

A Recovering Survivor 

Anorexic Theme + New Themes

Okay so I just want to write a quick apology for heavily basing the last few posts on Anorexia and eating disorders so I will try and mix it up a little bit. I’m going to do a 30 Day writing challenge/blog challenge to mix it up more. At the end, I will reveal who I am and show you me cause I think I’m ready. It will merely be a photo of me and my “screen name” but I feel like I owe you that.

1 and 30 will be swapped 🙂

After this challenge, I will find new and varied challenges to entertain you with 🙂

 

A Recovering Survivor 

*TRIGGER WARNING* Day in the Life of an Anorexic

I thought that I would write about what life is like as an anorexic. Now this will be from my worst time period and I am not as vicious as I was. The time frame for this behaviour is about October 2015 to May 2016. I lost roughly 15kg at the beginning of that time frame and kept it off from about November until right up to December last year. please do not read this post if you will follow the strict plan I created for myself – it is merely to educate the horror of an eating disorder not to glorify it.

5am – Alarm, roll over in agonising pain

5:10 – out of bed and go to the shower. Think about what’s for breakfast “toast”

5:13 – 100 sit ups, 100 jumping jacks, 100 crunches, 1 minute wall sit, 1 minute plank, 100 star jumps, 20 lunges/leg, 50 leg raises, 20 V sits

5:30- freezing cold shower. Convulsing too lose an extra 200 calories. I would get out bruised, purple and shivering all for weight loss.

5:40 – get dressed into the warmest clothes I could find that would hide the exercise bruises.

5:45 – tip the toaster over a plate to get the crumbs out so it looked like i had breakfast and take all my meds

5:50 – sit on the couch for about 15-20 minutes until I think that i am too lazy and do another 100 or so sit ups

6:45 – leave for school

7am – drop off my little brother to before school care, then walk around the school, and the suburb until it was class time. If i didn’t walk around the school, I would go to a classroom and do over an hour of exercise which was a 7 minute work out up to 5 times over and over.

8:20 – class would start and I would jiggle my leg, stand up and walk around the classroom non stop. between classes I would do laps of the stairs and go the longest route possible.

11am – first break. I kept on the move. If a teacher asked where my lunch was I would say that I’m eating it next break etc. I was always moving and if I wasn’t moving I was standing.

11:30 – classes until lunch, same thing – standing, walking, moving.

1:30 – Lunch time, I wouldn’t eat and would keep moving. Always moving or standing

2:10 – class time again. Usually by now I was exhausted so I would stay seating so I could walk home.

3:30 – I would walk home (1km) and quite quickly as well.

3:50 – I would go and do more exercise. Usually sit ups right up until 5pm. I was determined to not get fat.

4:30 – sometimes at 4:30 i would go for a 5km run if I felt I hadn’t done enough that day

5pm – chore time. So i would take a break until after dinner. By 6pm, I was looking at pro-ana websites and looking at thinspo pictures.

7pm – I would always be served dinner and immediately start cleaning the kitchen. I would barely sit down at all.

8:30/9pm – this was homework time. I would still move my legs and walk around in 5 minute incraments.

9:30 – I would take a break and brush my teeth until I bled. Quite literally.

10pm – TV watching time. Usually nothing really intense.

11:30 – Bed time but by 12 I was exercising or overdosing on codeine so that I would throw up in the morning and be sick.

3am – I would finally go to sleep.

If I stayed home, I would exercise, I would always be moving and lying and moving always. there was no time to stop.

Eating disorders are addictions. Horrible addictions just like alcoholism, heroin, and whatever else. They rewrite a person’s personality and everything about them. You become so fixated with food and losing weight and I don’t really know why I did but I was so young that no one even noticed.

A Recovering Survivor