Why Do I Blog

Why do I blog? Let’s see… I have to many thoughts surrounding my mind and sometimes it’s nice to get them out of my mind. That’s the main reason. I also just liked it before and obviously there were some reasons (*coughs* my ex) that meant I was too afraid to continue posting without fear.

I like getting my opinions and my ways of life out. I like sharing my experiences with the world and I like having that sense of accomplishment. Something a blog provides.

I don’t know what else to say however and this just provides a change of pace.

A Recovering SurvivorĀ 

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Anorexic Theme + New Themes

Okay so I just want to write a quick apology for heavily basing the last few posts on Anorexia and eating disorders so I will try and mix it up a little bit. I’m going to do a 30 Day writing challenge/blog challenge to mix it up more. At the end, I will reveal who I am and show you me cause I think I’m ready. It will merely be a photo of me and my “screen name” but I feel like I owe you that.

Image result for 30 day blog  challenge

1 and 30 will be swapped šŸ™‚

After this challenge, I will find new and varied challenges to entertain you with šŸ™‚

 

A Recovering SurvivorĀ 

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*TRIGGER WARNING* Day in the Life of an Anorexic

I thought that I would write about what life is like as an anorexic. Now this will be from my worst time period and I am not as vicious as I was. The time frame for this behaviour is about October 2015 to May 2016. I lost roughly 15kg at the beginning of that time frame and kept it off from about November until right up to December last year. please do not read this post if you will follow the strict plan I created for myself – it is merely to educate the horror of an eating disorder not to glorify it.

5am – Alarm, roll over in agonising pain

5:10 – out of bed and go to the shower. Think about what’s for breakfast “toast”

5:13 – 100 sit ups, 100 jumping jacks, 100 crunches, 1 minute wall sit, 1 minute plank, 100 star jumps, 20 lunges/leg, 50 leg raises, 20 V sits

#fitness #health                                                                                                                                                      More:

5:30- freezing cold shower. Convulsing too lose an extra 200 calories. I would get out bruised, purple and shivering all for weight loss.

5:40 – get dressed into the warmest clothes I could find that would hide the exercise bruises.

5:45 – tip the toaster over a plate to get the crumbs out so it looked like i had breakfast and take all my meds

5:50 – sit on the couch for about 15-20 minutes until I think that i am too lazy and do another 100 or so sit ups

6:45 – leave for school

7am – drop off my little brother to before school care, then walk around the school, and the suburb until it was class time. If i didn’t walk around the school, I would go to a classroom and do over an hour of exercise which was a 7 minute work out up to 5 times over and over.

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8:20 – class would start and I would jiggle my leg, stand up and walk around the classroom non stop. between classes I would do laps of the stairs and go the longest route possible.

11am – first break. I kept on the move. If a teacher asked where my lunch was I would say that I’m eating it next break etc. I was always moving and if I wasn’t moving I was standing.

11:30 – classes until lunch, same thing – standing, walking, moving.

1:30 – Lunch time, I wouldn’t eat and would keep moving. Always moving or standing

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2:10 – class time again. Usually by now I was exhausted so I would stay seating so I could walk home.

3:30 – I would walk home (1km) and quite quickly as well.

3:50 – I would go and do more exercise. Usually sit ups right up until 5pm. I was determined to not get fat.

4:30 – sometimes at 4:30 i would go for a 5km run if I felt I hadn’t done enough that day

5pm – chore time. So i would take a break until after dinner. By 6pm, I was looking at pro-ana websites and looking at thinspo pictures.

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7pm – I would always be served dinner and immediately start cleaning the kitchen. I would barely sit down at all.

8:30/9pm – this was homework time. I would still move my legs and walk around in 5 minute incraments.

9:30 – I would take a break and brush my teeth until I bled. Quite literally.

10pm – TV watching time. Usually nothing really intense.

11:30 – Bed time but by 12 I was exercising or overdosing on codeine so that I would throw up in the morning and be sick.

3am – I would finally go to sleep.

If I stayed home, I would exercise, I would always be moving and lying and moving always. there was no time to stop.

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Eating disorders are addictions. Horrible addictions just like alcoholism, heroin, and whatever else. They rewrite a person’s personality and everything about them. You become so fixated with food and losing weight and I don’t really know why I did but I was so young that no one even noticed.

A Recovering SurvivorĀ 

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Broken

I have recently become quite depressed again.

This was gradual and not all at once.

This was a down. A downer than down

Sucking the joy from my life.

Help, screamed a voice

but the voices are two loud

I need distraction.

So i have enrolled into some courses to learn some stuff over June.

To keep busy and distracted and focused.

 

A Recovering SurvivorĀ 

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5 Year Old Anorexic

So we often see, and comment on how girls younger and younger develop eating disorders. I have watched a documentary in the past about Dana the 8 year old anorexic and it resonated.

How can a child so young wake up one morning and decide not to eat? To exercise rigorously?

Still, I am the answer to these questions. I was a child and I was undeniably young. It was through this that no one noticed. I was so young that it became normal for me to not be hungry, to be interested in working out, to eat the bare minimal and everyone accepted that. It wasn’t until I was 16 that someone even noticed and by then it’s already far too late.

Recent blood works have discovered that I don’t need iron to function. I starved myself so much of my life that my body will get sick if there is too much iron – why? because I trained it that way. I can not eat for a week and be perfectly fine.

I found myself contemplating the other day how it is I never ended up in hospital for an eating disorder – especially when I got to 30kg. a 16 year old shouldn’t be able to function at 30kgs. It’s abnormal and still no one knew. No one knew – no heart attacks, no seizures. I watched a short film which said “those who start [starving] thin are a disease, and those who start fat are a success story”. So what about those who lived their whole life as an anorexic? What about me? I have no idea who I am without the voice in my head. I keep wondering. Am I the rule or the exception?

The thing about eating disorders is that you keep going until you die. Why? Because you keep telling yourself if it was bad you’d already be dead. 30kgs

I Ā know stories of anorexics who get to 37kg have a heart attack and are treated. I know stories of anorexics who lost 10kg in 2 months and were rushed to hospital for urgent feeding. I know stories of anorexics who didn’t eat for 7 days and had to go to rehab.

I guess that means I won the anorexic game. I never got caught. I started so young that my body liked the hunger. I got to 30kgs and I wasn’t treated. I lost 10kg in 1 month and was complimented at school for my determination. I can eat for 21 days and still live.

So what makes a 5 year old girl decide to stop eating one day? For me… I was alone at 5. I had no friends at school and the people in my class called me fat. Fat little piggy. I stopped eating lunch after a boy named Ryan told me if I wanted to grow up pretty lunch wasn’t the answer.

I would give the other children my lunch – I never wasted it. That wasn’t my style. I cried at night when my parents where trying this new diet here and there and would make Ā me go on it too so that I wouldn’t have problems with my weight.

I stopped eating breakfast when I said there just wasn’t enough time to eat before mum took me to school. I said I was tired and I would always fall asleep. Yet no one thought that a 5 year old would be starving. No one thought to check my habits and then it was too late.

SO how does a 5 year old become an anorexic? You let her become anorexia.

There is no longer separation between myself and anorexia. We are one. We are the same.

Be careful what you say to children, you have no idea how they’ll take it.

A Recovering Survivor

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Little Check In

So sorry I haven’t posted lately however I have been crazy busy. I don’t know with what, apart from the increased abnormality of my exercise routine – I have abs again though which is pretty good.

I stopped eating here and there which may be concerning but I feel better than every. I don’t want to talk about it though in this sickly state.

I want to be free but the shackles of disease hold me and I suppose that’s why I need that control. That desire. That urge.

Want some tips on how to live when your only source of energy is fear?

Although I can’t give them to you because wishing this upon anyone else would be absurd, I can tell you that 100 jumping jacks and 100 sit ups daily give you excellent abs.

I am beyond okay, yet I will still come to you with a smile, wholeheartedly as to not disturb the piece. So that my internet friends and followers is my little check in.

 

A Recovering SurvivorĀ 

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False Values: Root of OCPD

A personality at its core is a build up of false value judgments. OCPD for the most part have a series of false value judgments which are the root of the disorder. These consist of false good, false bad, and how this manifests in the disorder itself.

There are 8 main root false values.

One

False Good: achievement is important – achieving has great value, great potential.

False Bad: lack of achievement – failing to achieve means you are a bad person.

Manifestation: this manifests in an excessive devotion to work and productivity – often workaholic type behaviours

Two

False Good: respect, approval, being beyond reproach, a reward for rectitude

False Bad: lack of respect, lack of approval, reproach, lack of a just reward for rectitude

Manifestation: over-conscientiousness, scrupulosity, inflexibility

Three

False Good: interpersonal control, things being done ‘right’, correctness

False Bad: lack of interpersonal control, things not being done ‘right’, incorrectness

Manifestation: can’t delegate responsibility

Four

False Good: perfect performance

False Bad: mistakes, errors, flaws

Manifestation: Perfectionism

Five

False Good: to be right, to be certain

FalseĀ Bad: being wrong, being uncertain

Manifestation: rigidity, stubbornness

Six

False Good: order and organisation (rules)

False Bad: lack of order and organisation

Manifestation: Preoccupied with lists, rules, details, order and organisation

Seven

False Good: to save money

False bad: spending money, poverty

Manifestation: parsimony, miserly spending money

BehaviouralĀ Perspective

  • Preoccupation with details, rules, lists, order, organisation or schedules
  • Perfectionism that interferes with task completion
  • Excessive devotion to work and productivity
  • Over-conscientiousness, scrupulosity, and inflexibility about matters of morality, ethics, or values
  • Hoarding
  • Excessive interpersonal control
  • Miserliness toward both self and others
  • Rigidity and stubbornness

Cognitive Beliefs

  • I am fully responsible for myself and others
  • I have to depend on myself to see that things get done
  • Others tend to be too casual, often irresponsible, self-indulgent or incompetent
  • It is important to do a perfect job on everything
  • I need order, systems, and rules in order to get the job done properly
  • If I don’t have systems, everything will fall apart
  • Any flaw or defect of performance may lead to a catastrophe
  • It is necessary to stick to the highest standards at all times, or things will fall apart
  • I need to be in complete control of my emotions
  • People should do things my way
  • If I don’t perform at my highest level, I will fail
  • Flaws, defects, or mistakes are intolerable
  • Details are extremely important
  • My way of doing things is generally the best way

A Recovering SurvivorĀ 

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