This is probably the hardest thing to recover from. A skewed perception of my body and the shittiest eating habits and exercise routine in existence.
I am a recovering addict… from what? Starvation
It’s actually weirdly addictive to not eat and to feel empty and even now after I have started getting used to being empty inside. My stomach is actually incredibly tiny even now and I can’t eat a great lot. But I eat now.
At my worst I was 30.2kg and was exercising whenever I could. I would go on 4 runs a week all an hour in length and throw up nothing and nearly pass out on the way. I would then exercise for about an hour and a half before school every day doing a work out in a classroom, I would walk around the classroom, stand all through lunch and breaks, take the long way around to get to class. I stopped drinking water at some point as well. I was never detected. Over one Summer holiday I lost over 10kg, when I returned to school a girl hugged me and freaked out because I had “vanished”.
It was easy not eating because no one was around and we never ate dinner together. I never wasted food though. I gave it away or put it back in the serving dish or gave it to my brothers or to the dog. I still don’t like eating but at least I eat now.
I have never weighed more than 52kg in my life. And even now I only weigh about 40kg and I’m supposed to gain 5 more because my BMI is at 17. I am trying to be a vegan however my dad hates vegans and vegetarians so I won’t be able to when I leave, even though I don’t eat meat unless I’m at a table in front of people.
I started dieting when I was 5, partly cause of my parents and also because the kids at school would call me fat which I did not enjoy. I had the nickname “little piggy”. I stopped eating sugar at 10 because I said it made me sick but I meant it made me fat. I never ate at school and when I was 11 I stopped eating dinner as well. At that stage I kept to a liquid diet where I could. During grade 8 I spend lunch throwing up even though I didn’t have anything to throw up. When I started grade 9 my diet was basically coke and coffee until I gained 5kg and I stopped drinking shit. I won’t drink it now still. I kept going and getting worse after that. It was never discovered fully until recently and the one time it nearly was I got into trouble for it and my parents threatened to take my psychologist away from me and stop getting me support. That was pretty bad.
A Recovering Survivor