hi. its me and ive been thinking. why have i been thinking? because you did that to me. you left me pondering my reason to exist. i just wanted to know if you knew that. probably not. When did you care what i thought? When did you care what i wanted? You are the monster not me. I starved myself because you said i was fat. You held me so tightly my chest suffocated from fear. The fear of what? The fear of you. The fear of you running your hands down my pants. The fear of you telling me i wasn’t good enough. The fear of you kissing my neck and body and soul. I know what you did was wrong now. I know that i was scared and frightened and hurt. When you raped me you raped my soul. You took my innocence, my pride, my dignity. You stole my soul. You stole my mind. You cracked my bones and spirit and turned it to dust in your hands to blow away. You made me afraid of myself. Of what i could do to me, to you, to everyone. You were the enemy. You were the problem. and i just want to know why. I just want to know why you wanted it from me. I want to know if it keeps you up at night screaming for forgiveness and mercy. Does it haunt your dreams? Does it haunt your dreams now knowing that I lie awake crying night after night and when i finally sleep I scream for peace. You stole my right. I was a child. I was 14 god dammit. 14 year olds dont want to date an adult. I was a child. You were an adult. 17. And i cry as i write this letter now because sometimes i feel so lonely and its all your fault.
look at my body. Feel the cuts. Feel the scars. Feel the pain. It didn’t stop you before. Nothing stopped you before. Did you even notice my tears as you stuck your junk in mine? Did you notice my pain when you touched me? You may as well have drawn the blades across my skin and carved “I love you”. You didn’t love me. You loved sex. You loved to touch me. You loved to touch me in public. I don’t know what I hate most. WHat you did or how so many people saw and not one of them helped. I WAS A CHILD
Someone should have helped me. I wanted help. I needed help. And no one did. And everything was too much. Have you had a friend tell you how they don’t want you as you drive home from the hospital after overdosing on codeine pills? Next time just kill yourself. I meant it when I told you to. Have you ever lost a friend because they thought you were a monster who wanted someone to die? Everyone left because of you. I begged for mercy. A sweet escape.
You may believe in a god. You may believe in many. You may believe in sparkly little fairies and magic spells or the alignment of the stars. But i don’t. I guess you’ll always have the higher ground. You never told someone to kill themselves. All you did was break another human being. Maybe more. Not everyone deserves any help.
A Recovering Survivor